Today I woke up with tons of emotions. Anger, frustration, fear, and who knows what else. I knew Denis would ask me what was going on. But I didn’t know, until I asked myself and told myself to be 100% honest.
The answer was, I feel frustrated that I’m 33 yrs old and I can’t afford to buy the books for my teacher training.
It took a lot of guts to admit that I don’t have the money to afford about $100 worth of books. Yes, I can put them on my credit card which is what I do with everything nowadays. But the reality is that I (like thousands of ppl here in the US), cannot pay my full balance like I used to before we open Zen Mystery. And that makes me feel like BIG HUGE failure!
I know looking from outside my life looks amazing. I live by the beach, I have two businesses, I have a loving caring husband, and I have great friends. I’m grateful for all of this. And in moments like today I have to remind myself of these, the things to be grateful for.
However, when I get to this point, when I fear for my future, it’s hard to see them. To see that the Universe has actually provide for me all these years. And to shake the feeling that all these was a mistake, takes longer, usually until I have cried and taken a breath.
I know the more selfish thing would have been to stay where I was, in my safety cushion, on a nice corner office, with my 10 years of experience as an engineer, traveling the world, and living the lifestyle that would afford me. Instead, we choose to teach, share, and open a place for the community. On days like this, I feel it was a mistake. I feel I got rid of my suit and heels too soon!! On days like this, I want to stay polishing my resume and look for a job, where it’s someone else’s responsibility to find the money to pay me.
I know I’m not alone. I know many of you feel the same way. We took the plunge, jumped in and did it and now we are barely swimming above water.
On days like this, ALL WE HAVE LEFT is OUR PRACTICE. So we need to let the tears flow and cry it out, and go back to our practice. Maybe put some music and dance it out. Because the reality is that we will learn either way, by failing or by succeeding. We just have to let go of the attachments and be patient with the process. So whether you meditate, do yoga, or anything else, keep at your practice. And know that moments like these are not a breakdown, but a BREAKTHROUGH!!
Today is my 13th year anniversary with Denis. And I haven’t even been able to enjoy it because I got stuck in this FEAR & pity party. But now I’m ready to move on thanks to a friend in FB that shared a post that made me wake up. So hopefully this post will also help you wake up and we can begin a wave of gratitude instead.
Denis & I, June 2nd, 2001, on our first date.
A big Hug to you…
